What Not To Say on a First Date, by Sookie Stackhouse PART II

6) I had a funny uncle (so lets talk therapy bills) but my ex Vampire boyfriend Bill killed him for me. :::smiles prettily:::

7) My grandmother was brutally murdered by the man who wanted to kill me for sleeping with the first guy I ever dated who happened to be a vampire who was sent to Bon Temps to seduce me because the Queen of Louisiana heard about me from my now deceased deceased (twice) estranged cousin Hadley who was also her lover.

8) My best friend was part of a sex club. A few of them died in the woods when a Maened killed them. Oh, and that Maened tortured me too. Wanna see my scars? Boy howdy, she was a hot mess.

9) My boss is a shape shifter. A true shifter. He can be anything he wants. Its really cool! He just revealed himself at the great Were revelation and turned into a dog in front of all our customers! Everyone handled it really well except for Arlene. I think she was so upset she might have popped a few of her fake fingernails off. She quit so its all good. I was tired of telling her her fake red hair looked “natural” anyway. No one is naturally that shade of tramp. Anyway, the time before that, Sam turned into a LION and killed a bunch of folks to defend me. He's very protective... His step dad shot his Mom after the Weres came out so if I were you, I’d remember to have a positive attitude around supes, mmmkay? They’re getting a divorce now. Who? Oh, his step mom and her psycho soon-to-be-ex husband.

10) Remember that waitress with the bad hair? Arlene? My so called former best friend is now a psychotic member of the Fellowship of the Sun! After the Weres came out and Crystal was killed she tried to lure me to her house and have her boyfriend and some FOTS folks kill me and crucify me for being a were and vamp sympathizer. Yeah, I know right? They couldn’t even come up with an original crime to commit! So anyway, she’s in jail. Her boyfriend is wounded. The other guys is dead… How? Well the FBI was in town investigating my mind reading capabilities and happened to be available to assist our local law enforcement. I have them on speed dial. Wait, why are you sweating?