What Not To Say on a First Date, by Sookie Stackhouse PART IV

16) I've been sort of raped by an ex when he was out of control and he’s ALSO my next door neighbor and he, uhh, still kinda stalks me and shows up in awkward places and tells me he's still in love with me...oops, there he is now! :::waves at Bill who is lurking outside of the restaurant in the shadows::: Don't worry! He's totally harmless. I think... I mean he did just kill a bunch of fairies who had kidnapped and tortured me. It was nuts. He got silver poisoning and everything just for me. He's seriously dedicated to me. I mean SERIOUSLY.

17) Oooh, ooh! Have you ever dumped a body before? I have! It was really scary at first but WHOO, what a rush! We found him in Alcide's closet. You know, that Pack Master I mentioned who just texted me again?? Did I mention I stayed with him in Jackson? It was totally platonic...well nothing HAPPENED but wow was there chemistry! Anyhoo...Alcide and I were looking for my soon to be official ex vamp boyfriend, the one who is hiding outside :::waves at Bill again::: and this Were got fresh with me. Then we found him dead in the closet! So we dumped the body in the woods rather than reporting it to the police. :::looks at date::: Hey, why are your eyes so wide?

18) When you drop me off at the house I'll have to show you my spiffy new kitchen. A pirate vampire assassin burned it down in an attempt to kill me BUT my fairy godmother saved me! She was also my COUSIN! Yeah, pretty cool huh? She just passed away protecting me from evil fairy enemies of my great grandfather. I miss her a lot. Its why I don’t drink my tea with lemon anymore…in her honor. :::raises her glass in salute::: Anyway, the pirate assassin was sent to avenge the death of another vamp who Eric staked for me. You remember Eric? Well, he didn't remember some things :::laughs to herself ruefully::: He's the other vamp I've had uhhh...moments with? But he didn't remember it because he had amnesia :::pauses for dramatic affect::: and NOW he remembers what happened when he couldn't remember anything! :::pours herself another glass of wine::: Where was I? Oh yeah! This vamp was sent to kill the person that would hurt Eric the most and he figured that killing me would cause him the most pain. I wonder why that is? :::looks over her shoulder::: Hey, who is Bill talking to outside? Wait, is that Eric?! What is he doing here???

19) Wait a minute. :::pauses::: Yeah, thats Eric. I can sense he's pretty upset with me because I'm on a date. We had a pretty significant blood exchange a while back with some sort of ceremonial knife. Anyway, instead of being able to control me, it just allows me to feel more of his emotions and him mine. Its technically called a Blood Bond. Ominous, much? It allowed me to save his life a while back when he was being attacked. Freaky, huh? So I guess he knows I think you're kinda hot... :::bats eyelashes again::: So then Eric calls me up a few months ago and has me bring him this same knife and does some sort of “hoodoo voodoo” in front over another significant vampy sort of dude and apparently we’re “married” according to vampire rules now. Its like a vampire shotgun wedding, minus the baby! We haven’t had “the talk” yet about whether we’re LEGALLY married so being on a date with you shouldn’t make him TOO angry. What? Why do you look like you need the Heimlich maneuver? I know CPR. Do you need help??

20) So have you ever met a Werewolf who was turned into a vampire? I have! He attacked me when he rose. I was dating his boss who thought he was dead. We found his dead body in my cousin Hadley's apartment (you know, the vampire who dated the old Queen of Louisiana and now she's dead? Yeah, her place!). I was with a witch who had to set his face on fire to get him off of me! She's now my roommate so you'll have to meet her when we get home. We just lost our pet, our cat, Bob. He was her sorta lover and she ACCIDENTALLY turned him into a cat and it took FOREVER to get him changed back... There are some very suspicious kittens around our place now too! Anyway, Bob is a human again and BOY was he PISSED... What? OH! Where was I? Oh yeah! So Werewolf now Vampire dude goes to work for the Queen and apparently TOTALLY flips his noodle! So crazy Werpire collaborated with the Fellowship of the Sun to bomb the vampire summit in Rhodes a few weeks ago! I know! SOOO CRAZY!?!? It was like armageddon, but with vampires, Weres, and aliens from other dimensions. Now the FBI is investigating it and my involvement in the rescue. No, really! :::pauses to drink more wine and waves her arm at the waiter to bring another bottle::: So my now ex boyfriend was there with me, Werepire's former boss...did I mention he could turn into a Bengal Tiger, one of the most lethal animals on the planet? He's like 7 feet long when he's shifted! But he's as gentle as a kitten...well, unless you tick him off because he's also a famous Supe ultimate fighter from the pits and I don't know how many people he's killed in total BUT he's killed a few people and a vamp for me...Hey, are you ok? Why are you gripping your wine glass like that. You'll break it! Here, let me pour you some more! :::pours wine in his glass which is now shaking::: Anyway, my boyfriend was there running the summit and I had no idea just HOW famous he was till we got there. You've never heard of him? Quinn? Wow, you're the first person I've met who hasn't in a while. We JUST broke up and he’s really not taking it well so he might still be a little jealous, ya think? I mean he only attacked or killed people who he thought were trying to hurt me or keep him from talking to me. Hey, I think thats him arguing with Eric and Bill outside! What a coincidence! :::waves::: Surely going out to a friendly dinner isn't hurting him? I dumped him pretty suddenly after I found out he'd been incognito because he'd been off in Las Vegas saving his crazy mother's behind AGAIN and is now indebted to their Vampire King. Did I mention that King just led a hostile takeover of Louisiana and now HE'S in charge? He's the other guy I saved when I saved Eric so he sort of owes me one. Aaaannnyway, I think the whole vampire marriage thing was to protect me from the new vamp king because he wanted me in Vegas? I mean yeah, VEGAS BABY…but only for a visit. I’m not one for sequins anyway. I can’t believe Quinn is back in town. The last time he was here he violated Eric’s direct order trying to see me and he and Bill got into this HUGE fight and oh oh…I can sense Eric’s anger via my bond. Wow. He’s really ticked off. But amazingly I don’t think its with Quinn. Why is he staring so intently through the window right now? Huh, that’s, like…so weird and stuff. So anyway its been a pretty exciting few months but I don't think anyone else wants to kill me right NOW and besides, who would try with Eric, Quinn, and Bill right outside? :::turns and waves at Eric, Quinn, and Bill who are now standing at the window and glaring inside:::

Wait, where are you going? They haven't even brought out our dessert yet?

Thanks Sassy

http://sassysouth.livejournal.com/