Wednesday, May 13, 2009


May 12th, 2009

Vampires are not human. We can not work human hours. And while we do not engage in most human services, there are any number of others that we alone require.

For years this forced us to rely on others. To serve as mysterious unseen clients or hire human go-betweens, always hiding the true purpose for our odd requests: shipping coffins overseas, forged identification papers, homes fitted with windowless rooms hidden beneath the ground.

But this is no longer the case. Among other things, our revelation has led to vampires serving in workplaces previously reserved for humans. Lawyers who write case briefs long into the night, accountants who specialize in centuries old estates, even peace officers helping to serve and protect during the graveyard shift.

Humans are already coming to find that we constitute a marked improvement. Vampires require no sick days. We will not show up to work under the influence of any drug of liquor. We can perform tasks at speeds far greater than our human counterparts. Some might wonder if companies might one day seek entire staffs of vampire employees.

But for the time being, it is evident that more and more humans and vampires are counting each other amongst their co-workers. One can only hope this doesn’t result in a new understanding of competitive cannibalism.