Why This Was the Worst True Blood Season Ever — and How the Show Can Be Saved

This is from our good friend Meredith and I'd say these feelings to some extent are almost universal after this season ...


While the 4th season of True Blood had a lot of "precious fairy vagina," and a few great Pam one-liners, it's time to call it what it was, a dud. When the big season finale pits a nightie-wearing ghost grandma against a 50-year-old witch, you've got big trouble in Bon Temps. And don't even get us started on the were-panthers.

Here's why this season was truly the worst of True Blood seasons, and how this show can win back our love in season five. Major spoilers ahead...

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True Blood’s Season Finale Kills Off All the Right People by Meredith Woerner of io9.com

Last night, the season finale for the fourth year of True Blood came and went with a wet fart noise. Some of it was good, but most of it was bad. True Blood can do better than this, which is why we're looking forward to the fifth season.
But let me explain it to you in Pro/Con style.
Pro: Lafayette/Marnie calmly stares at Jesus in completely silence, nothing suspicious here…and stabs Jesus with the fork.
Con: Doo-da-doo, making coffee with Sookie! NOPE! Dead Grandma on the floor.
Con: Tara spent the night at Sookie's house, so now Tara is cool staying in the house with Eric in it? After that fantastic "Fuck you guys!" speech? Way to stick to your guns, Tara. Also, had you stayed at Lafayette's house, Jesus might not have been hand-forked.
Con: Sookie explains how Marnie channeled Gran all those days ago, notes how she took none of her advice. Sookie continues on saying that she "feels like her Gran is here," like really, really here. Which in True Blood foreshadowing language means, "Grams is coming back in about 20 minutes." So yay?
Pro: "What are we magnets for fucking craziness?" Yes. And clearly Sookie is keeping said magnet in her vagina.

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True Blood serves up a steaming pile of True Death by Meredith Woerner io9.com

Last night on True Blood, everyone got a little action! Even Andy! The Vampire Squad wrestled the witches with their custom leather fingerless gloves and fired a rocket launcher up their cackling behinds.
But let me tell it to you, Pro/Con style:
Pro: Aaaaand we pick up exactly right where we left off last week. Except this time the vampires are no longer in slow motion. But don't worry, True Blood always finds a way to screw in some extra ridiculous. Cue Jessica and Pam's hilarious banter, "This is what PMS used to feel like" and "Can we blow up these Wiccan dipshits already? I have a mani/pedi at four." Glad to see we're all taking this Wiccan fight seriously. Lady vampires go to war! PMS! Manicures! Hoorah!

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True Blood lets the leather-jacketed, supernatural war of Louisiana begin! by Meredith Woerner io9.com

This week on True Blood, we got our favorite vampire back, FINALLY. But have Sookie's underbits damaged his brain for good? Possibly, only time will tell! Until then, cue the vampire slo-mo, it's time for the Pro/Con list.
Let's be honest. This episode existed for one reason and one reason only — as a set up for next week's vampire versus witch showdown. Everything else (including one character's death, some werewolf stuff and an important V-juice intervention) was just getting in the way of the death match. Poor Tommy.
Pro: We're still at the Vampire Tolerance Fair. And much like the many sit-ins and marches that came before this fair, the all-important mylar Tolerance balloons are still intact.

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The True Blood Ménage à Trois You Never Knew You Didn’t Want!

Dreams (almost) came true (for some viewers) last night! We (almost) got to watch Bill and Eric gingerly cross their vampire swords, but Sookie was there and ruined it! Ah well, get ready for a face full of sexy vampire Sax Man and vaseline-smudged lenses — we're going into Sookie's brain.
It's Pro/Con time!
Pro: Snaps to True Blood for painstakingly planting the groundwork of the Vampire Tolerance Maypole Dance or whatever. Notice how True Blood made damn sure you knew the Tolerance Day was at hand right down to Nan's "I'll see you at that tolerance thing on the 29th" in the "Previously on True Blood" round-up? Because what is this show if not 100% logical. Making sure that the Tolerance Day has been well mentioned and planned, and not shoehorned into the plot as some giant event in which to set another vampire disaster. Nope. Having a fairy-troll-goblin run up and blurt "My sister and I have been fighting a fairy civil war for the fairy crown no you can't leave if you eat the fairy fruit now quickly jump into this fairy crevasse." But the Tolerance Day Fair? That took days to build up.

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True Blood trips balls on a V-juice hump-hump-fest by Meredith Woerner

Don't miss our hilarous conversation from last night on Talk Blood Radio .

Last night on True Blood, Eric and Sookie took us deep into the snow shower of their imagination! You'd think that humping on a bunch of animal hides in the snow with a Viking Vampire would be more exciting.
But let me explain it to you, Pro/Con style.
This week we picked up right where we left off, THE SUN SUICIDES. Was anyone worried about Jessica killing herself and Jason getting shot? Neither was I. But I will say that the other totally fake death was terrifying. But more on that later, let's get back to THE SUN THE SUN!

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True Blood is taking care of business…VAMPIRE BUSINESS by Meredith Woerner of io9.com

The wonderful Meredith....

Let's get right on down to vampire business, shall we? Last night's True Blood had a lot of good...and a lot of bad. I'm specifically talking about the manner in which my 4-year sex fantasy on Eric Northman was crushed with soft woodland cuddling.
But let's break it down, Pro/Con style.
Con: Eric tells Sookie she's "the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." Remember when Eric used to say snarky things like "She was superb!" after tricking Sookie to suck all of the silver out of his chest? I miss that Eric.

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Meredith's Comic Con 2011 - what to watch for !

I asked Meredith last night on Talk Blood Radio what 2 things (not TB related) that she learned about at Comic Con this year that she would suggest that Talk Blood listeners watch for during the next year ?

She unequivocally said 2 things, the movies: Knights of Badassdom ( with Ryan "Jason" Kwanten) and Attack the Block.

Why Knights of Badassdom is the ultimate adventure movie from io9.com
We recently talked to Knights of Badassdom director Joe Lynch, who showed us new footage from his LARPing-meets-demons movie. He explained why this movie avoids CGI, what genre this is, and why this is the most authentic LARPing movie ever.

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Why Attack the Block Really is The Wire With Aliens from io9.com
It's hard to define the brilliant British alien-chase movie Attack The Block in one line, but we've been calling it The Wire with aliens for some time now. And it turns out the film's star agrees with us.

In our exclusive interview with star John Boyega (who wonderfully captures the threatening corner kid, Moses), the actor delves into how he mined the beloved and bleak series The Wire for inspiration. Plus he shares his ideas for Attack the Block 2. Minor spoilers ahead.

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On True Blood, some like it HOYT! by Meerdith Woerner of io9.com

We hope to talk to Meredith this weekend on Talk Blood Radio !

Whoa-ho-ho there, True Blood. Last night delivered the sex fantasies out the wazoo. Let's take a ride on Jason Stackhouse's pansexual odyssey and visit Eric's handsome dreams in the wardrobe (a.k.a. Viking Vampire Narnia). We break it down, Pro/Con style.
Pro: Last week we thought True Blood was going to press repeat on the whole Mickens-shifter-dog-fighting plotline (that was terrible then and would be terrible now). But instead Tommy kills his parents. TWIST.

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True Blood tells the story of 3 Men and A Trash Baby by Meredith Woerner

The amazing Meredith ....

Last night True Blood was all about weird creepy Mom fetishes. Sookie was Eric's Mom, Nan was Bill's Mom, and then someone had sex with their great-great-great-great grandchild. But this all just really par for course in Bon Temps, isn't it?
You're disgusting True Blood! To the Pro/Con list . . .
Besides the heaps of almost-cock-shots and Pam's wardrobe, I think we can all agree that this episode was a bit so-so. Last night just seemed like a lot of supernatural coddling. You know you've gone too far when stabbing a were-panther in the throat doesn't thrill you like it use to. Let's hope next week Pam gets revenge!

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How many sex panthers does it take to screw a Jason Stackhouse? by Meredith Woerner io9.com

Meredith was wonderful on " Talk Blood " Sunday night

! Listen to podcast if you missed it!


Meredith Woerner — Oh my dears, last night was all about Pammy-Pam-Pam the vampire who can-can. HBO should just give actress Kristin Bauer sacks of money because if it wasn't for her, this show would go straight to the sex panthers.

And now, your True Blood recap, in Pro/Con style.

How many sex panthers does it take to screw a Jason Stackhouse?Pro: Eric is still adorably dazed and confused. Walking around with no socks and no shirt. Again, as I said last week, at what point in the mind-erasing magic was it imperative for him to take off his shirt and socks? At what point did Eric think, "This shirt, no thanks! And these socks, take a hike Hanes Classics." [Editor Note: I don't actually know what kind of socks Eric wears. This is a good question really. What kind of socks does Viking Vampire Eric wear? Does he even wear socks? Is he more of a TOMS hipster loafer slide? What kind of socks do we all wear? It's really a giant morality question, something the great Alan Ball probably wants us all to entertain. Where are our socks? Collectively. Where are they really? Jesus didn't wear socks. Think about it... What?.... Ball's crammed every other moral issue under the sun into these episodes that are really only about about vampires having sex. So, I wouldn't put it past him. God Hates Tevas! Or Fangs! Or the Bible I don't know, just hold me.]

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True Blood unleashes the sex panther (in your pants) by Meredith from io9.com

Meredith will be co hosting Talk Blood this weekend !

True Blood's back with another historical vampire flashback that highlights Bill's punk years. It was kind of like watching your father do a beer bong while visiting you at college. But more importantly, WHERE IS REVEREND STEVE NEWLIN?
To the True Blood Pro/Con-mobile!
Pro: Jason awakes up to a good were-panther licking. Of course this is how the good folks of Hotshots clean themselves! I can just imagine the directing in this scene. "CUT. It's just not working, it's not catty enough yet. I don't feel like the unwashed-hillbilly-methface-V-juice-junkies are actually panther people as well. Can we get him to lick Jason on the head? Perfect."

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True Blood’s season premiere sneaks up on you from behind

Oh and I am very happy again to report that the wonderful Meredith Woerner has agreed to return this season to Talk Blood Radio - hold on to your hat this recap is HILARIOUS !

 True Blood is back! The first episode of the season started with a bang that rocketed us all to Faerieville. But don't worry, it had us back in time to be sexually assaulted by Eric.
Now, let's break down this episode the best way possible. With the True Blood Pro/Con list.
Pro: Sookie is in faerie land with her protector or Faerie Godmother, and old Sooks has an earful for her. "If your job is to look after me, can I just say you suck?" Yes. Yes you can, Sookie. Not that we would expect anything less from you. Enter a new realm and immediately become a total dickhead and insult this new magical band of people right off the bat. But she is 100% right here. Claudine is the worst Faerie Godmother in the history of Faerie Godmothers. Where was Claudine with the lecture about preventative measure one can take to protect themselves from vampire dirt sex UTIs? Nowhere, that's where.

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True Blood's big finale will burn your face off

and Meredith with her final for the season

Last night was the season finale of True Blood, so was it a spine-ripping good time? Sorta. There was a lot of good, and a lot of bad. But let's break it down Pro/Con style.
All in all, I left this episode feeling satisfied but not as excited for the next season as I should be. Maybe because the cliffhangers weren't anything we've really been invested in this season. Or perhaps it's because The King of Mississippi is seemingly off the show? Was it a bad True Blood episode? No, it wasn't. But it didn't feel like a season finale. Still, there was still plenty of charred vampire face to go around.
Con: And we're off! Eric and the King are helpless on the ground, exposed to the sun's rays. And then, out of nowhere, Baby Angel Vampire Godric shows up. Oh dear.


Con: Even the King seems to agree with me...

This whole angel vampire baby chanting nonsense phrases like "peace" over two slowly roasting vampires makes absolutely no sense.
Con: Meanwhile, Sookie is trapped in her blood-draining coma...with a chandelier. That must mean something or another. [Edit: Wait it's possibly a UFO? Oh cripes].
Pro: But there's no time, she's up and pissed. After getting basically bleeding close to an inch of her life, yet again on this series, Sooks is no longer taking this shit from these vampire idiots. And with one sharp slap to the face we've got season one Sookie back. Welcome back, Ms. "I don't take shit from anyone waitress." We missed you.
Con: Being the big go-getter that she is, Sookie goes outside, finger blasts the silver handcuffs, the King's face and drags Eric inside. Well, he's at least twice her size. Sookie being able to drag in Eric seems a bit ridiculous, but then again maybe she has super finger blast fairy strength as well. Plus it seems silly to point out all the "that's not possible" problems on a show about meth-head werepanthers. But moving on, Eric needs blood, human blood. And since they have ANY human blood at all in Fangtasia? Not even in the creepy former human prison in the basement, Sookie must be drained, yet again by Eric. I don't know about you guys, but just thinking about all the times Sookie get blood sucked in and out of her body makes me lightheaded.

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True Blood: where wages are paid in dirty vampire basement sex meredith Woerner io9

Meredith's offering ...
Everyone is talking about last night's big reveal. So what happened? Well the supernatural fairy was let out of the werekitty bag. We now all know what Sookie is (besides awful).

Let's be honest. Nothing was going to top last week's conclusion. Nothing. But this week tried with werekitties, V-trips, and lots of good Pam one-liners. But besides the great postmortem, this episode really felt like it was just trying to get us to the end. We're all still holding our breath for the big fight between the King of Mississippi and everyone else. But one thing was revealed, Sookie is a fairy. Yeah, I'm not necessarily excited about it either. But why don't we let the Pros and Cons be the REAL judge.

Pro: Sookie having the same reaction to her big "what is Sookie" reveal. How fucking lame, indeed.

Con: So since we all CLEARLY know that being a fairy is lame, does that mean we can drop the fact that she's a fairy? The answer: No.

Con: Another name for the fairy kind is "alien." Sadly, I'm guessing the rest of the cast will insist on calling fairies by their proper name "the Fae," for the rest of the season.

Con: They do.

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Best True Blood ending EVER. EVER. EVER. EVE By Meredith Woerner

Team Talk Blood member Meredith Woerner review of ep 9 -you can listen to us talk about it last Sunday night by listening to the podcast ( blue box on right )

Last Sunday's True Blood took all the long-winded fang banter about vampire kings, vampire queens, magisters, vampire equality acts, and "authorities" and turned it into something interesting. From here on out, vampire politics cease to be boring! Some NSFW pics.
I've been accused before of being a bit of a "fangirl" when it comes to True Blood. Sorry haters, but this is going to be one of those times. Last night had the best conclusion in True Blood history. Plus, Ginger's back. But let's let the Pros and Cons do the talking shall we?
Pro: Eric soars in on the vampcam. He's like the wind, that one.

Pro: Eric lands in Fangtasia and Pam and I both freak out because, as she said, "You never panic! Should I be panicking?" The answer, yes. Everyone should be panicking.
Pro: Ginger is back, and looking slightly less beat as hell. Good for you girl.

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Why it's a bad idea to "turn your backside" on a naked vampire in True Blood

Team Talk Blood member , Meredith reviews ep 8

We learned many valuable lessons from this week's True Blood, such as how dating a vampire never allows for enough time to make a shitty scrapbook, how to tan cry, and the ABCs of vampire hate-sexin'. Enjoy the NSFWness.
Pro: Sookie is still screaming, because Bill is at the foot of her bed hospital trying to steal her light or eat her or something. I'm not really sure what it is at this point — either way, it's loud.
Pro: The screams cause Alcide to make this startled puppy face.

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True Blood serves vampire burritos at their naked Enya BBQ

From Team Talk Blood member,  Meredith Woerner !

Everyone brought their A-game to last night's True Blood, everyone. Questions were answered, light drinks were served, and Jason was finally back on his idiot A-Game. Small NSFW image.

What a night! For the first time in a long time I felt like True Blood managed to keep all the plot points in the air without smashing juggling balls into the audience. Probably because they felt like it was ok to give a few characters a break and let some other folks shine. Plus, we finally figured out why Sookie has light fingers! Because she drinks light punch. Right? I don't know, let's Pro and Con it.
Pro: Lorena sucking on Sookie's neck paired with Bill's grunting noises - together it all sounds like some sort of sticky three way. Yep, seems about right for this series.

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True Blood teaches us how to talk dirty vampire style

The great Meredith of "Talk Blood Radio"  fame gives us the "Pros and Cons"  from Ep 6

Blood poured from the skies in Sunday night's episode of True Blood. And we also got to learn what kind of dirty talk turns vampires on. No surprise here - it's graphic blood whispering. Watch! What did we learn? That Denis O'Hare is a gosh darn delight. His take on the King of Mississippi is award winning. Seriously.
Side note: I'm beat as hell from Comic Con, so if this True Blood recap starts to detour down into the black abyss of insanity that I'm living in right now, apologies. I will be back in better form next week. But enough about me - let's talk about Debbie Pelt's v-juice bloodgasm, self stroking, and rub downs.

Pro: A slo-mo glide into the mansion. TENSION!!!!!

Pro: Talbot's response to the King's big "Bill's a liar," reveal: "Noooo." Nice Mean Girls moment Talbolt. But of course this is immediately eclipsed when he and Sookie shriek exactly the same way, though naturall for different reasons. I imagine that banister was from the Queen-of-such-and-such-a-thing-that-is-expensive-he's-a-gay-vampire-he-likes-antiques-get-it?

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True Blood just vampire texted to say it loves you, motherf%*#er

Team Talk Blood Meredith talks about this weeks episode !

Curious about vampire texting habits? Of course you are. Watch Franklin speed text, Tara get smacked down by an actual wolf, sticky vampire burn face, and how to talk Cheetah all in one ridiculously over-stuffed episode of True Blood.

Wow, so that was a whole lot of nothing dotted by highlights of adorable Franklin Mott banter, culminating in about 10 minutes of pure, uncut, take it straight up the nose and into your brain insanity. Which is exactly how I like it.

This episode may have seemed like a mere a setup for the return of Sookie's magical light. But in reality, it was Franklin who carried this week's fun all on his narrow little shoulders. Meanwhile Tara got tackled by a werewolf, which was fantastically rewarding. And a bunch of other junk happened. But let me give it to you Pro Con style.

Pro: Talbot is clearly the stepmother to Franklin's fatheresque relationship with the King of Mississippi. It's a perfect blend of hatred, disrespect and catty undermining quibbles. I like this dynamic.

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