Saturday, May 2, 2009

What Sookie shouldn't say on a first date ( part2)

Continued from Part 1 yesterday HERE

14) I've killed two ex girlfriends of men I dated or were interested in dating me. Do you like your ex? :::raises eyebrows:::
15) I've been staked in defense of a vampire who wasn't really a nice person but she wasn't as cah-raaazy as the psycho founder of the Fellowship of the Sun who was trying to kill her. :::barely pauses for breath::: Did I tell you he wants to kill me, too? Yeah, because I was a key player in taking down the FOTS headquarters in Dallas. Then I helped a repentant murdering pedaphile vampire meet the dawn. What a roller coaster ride that was! :::gulps a glass of wine:::
16) I've been savagely bitten, drained and forced to have sex by an ex who is ALSO my next door neighbor and he, uhh, still kinda stalks me and shows up in awkward places and tells me he's still in love with me...oops, there he is now! :::waves at Bill who is lurking outside of the restaurant in the shadows::: Don't worry! He's totally harmless. I think...
17) Oooh, ooh! Have you ever dumped a body before? I have! It was really scary at first but WHOO, what a rush! We found him in Alcide's closet. You know, that Pack Master I mentioned?? Did I mention I stayed with him in Jackson? It was totally platonic...well nothing HAPPENED but wow was there chemistry! Anyhoo...Alcide and I were looking for my soon to be official ex vamp boyfriend, the one who is hiding outside :::waves at Bill again::: and this Were got fresh with me. Then we found him dead in the closet! So we dumped the body in the woods rather than reporting it to the police. :::looks at date::: Hey, why are your eyes so wide?
18) When you drop me off at the house I'll have to show you my spiffy new kitchen. A pirate vampire assassin burned it down in an attempt to kill me BUT my fairy godmother saved me! She's also my COUSIN! Yeah, pretty cool huh? The pirate assassin was sent to avenge the death of another vamp who Eric staked for me. You remember Eric? Well, he didn't remember some things :::laughs to herself ruefully::: He's the other vamp I've had uhhh...moments with? But he didn't remember it because he had amnesia ::: pauses for dramatic affect::: and now he JUST remembered what happened when he couldn't remember anything! ::: pours herself another glass of wine::: I guess we need to talk and he keeps calling trying to set up a time to see me... Anyway, this vamp was sent to kill the person that would hurt Eric the most and he figured that killing me would cause him the most pain. I wonder why that is? :::looks over her shoulder::: Hey, who is Bill talking to outside? Wait, is that Eric?! What is he doing here???
19) Wait a minute. ::: pauses::: Yeah, that's Eric. I can sense he's pretty upset with me because I'm on a date. We had a pretty significant blood exchange a while back with some sort of ceremonial knife. Anyway, instead of being able to control me, it just allows me to feel more of his emotions and him mine. It allowed me to save his life a few weeks ago when he was being attacked. Freaky, huh? So I guess he knows I think you're kinda hot... :::bats eyelashes again::: I'm sure he's not the jealous type... He just keeps calling me "My Lover" and wait, that's my cell phone ringing. Its ERIC. :::sigh::: I'll call him back later. Where was I? Here, have another glass of wine!
20) So have you ever met a Werewolf who was turned into a vampire? I have! He attacked me when he rose. I was dating his boss who thought he was dead. We found his dead body in my cousin Hadley's apartment (you know, the vampire who dated the old Queen of Louisiana and now she's dead? Yeah, her place!). I was with a witch who had to set his face on fire to get him off of me! She's now one of my roommates so you'll have to meet her when we get home. We just lost our pet, our cat, Bob. He was her sorta lover and she ACCIDENTALLY turned him into a cat and it took FOREVER to get him changed back... There are some very suspicious kittens around our place now too! Anyway, Bob is back and BOY was he PISSED... What? OH! Where was I? Oh yeah! So Werewolf now Vampire dude goes to work for the Queen and apparently TOTALLY flips his noodle! So crazy Werpire collaborated with the Fellowship of the Sun to bomb the vampire summit in Rhodes a few weeks ago! I know! SOOO CRAZY!?!? It was like Armageddon, but with vampires, Weres, and aliens from other dimensions. ::: pauses to drink more wine and waves her arm at the waiter to bring another bottle::: So my boyfriend was there with me, Werepire's former boss...did I mention he could turn into a Bengal Tiger, one of the most lethal animals on the planet? He's like 7 feet long when he's shifted! But he's as gentle as a kitten...well, unless you tick him off because he's also a famous Supe ultimate fighter from the pits and I don't know how many people he's killed in total BUT he's killed a few people for me...Hey, are you ok? Why are you gripping your wine glass like that. You'll break it! Here, let me pour you some more! ::: pours wine in his glass which is now shaking:::
21) boyfriend was there running the summit and I had no idea just HOW famous he was till we got there. You've never heard of him? Quinn? Wow, you're the first person I've met who hasn't in a while. We JUST broke up so he might still be a little jealous, ya think? I mean he only attacked or killed people who he thought were trying to hurt me, his sister, or his Mom. Hey, I think that's him arguing with Eric and Bill outside! What a coincidence! :::waves::: Surely going out to a friendly dinner isn't hurting him? I dumped him pretty suddenly after I found out he'd been incognito because he'd been off in Las Vegas saving his crazy mother's behind AGAIN and is now indebted to their Vampire King. Did I mention that King just led a hostile takeover of Louisiana and now HE'S in charge? He's the other guy I saved when I saved Eric so he sort of owes me one. Aaaannnyway, I think Quinn is back in town for a while... So anyway its been a pretty exciting few months but I don't think anyone else wants to kill me right NOW and besides, who would try with Eric, Quinn, and Bill right outside? :::turns and waves at all three who are now standing at the window and glaring inside::: Hey, did I mention I can read minds?? I just don't do it much anymore now that I've learned to control it a little but...wait, where are you going? They haven't even brought out our dessert yet?


Rose said...

"Oooh, ooh! Have you ever dumped a body before? I have!"

hah! To think, Sookie wonders why she doesn't have many second dates.